The Words I Can't Whisper
Just a diary of a young adult.
A Lion In The Vodka Pool
I was writing this yesterday, but got interrupted, so I posted it today, but wrote it for yesterday. Okee? okee.
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So I had school yesterday, but my class was semi canceled because my Professor fell ill. Poor Professor, but I was like yeah! No Professor it's time to kick it at home.... right? Uh no apparently the rule about your Professor not showing up after 15 minutes is null and void where I go. The academic dean came in and gave us a bunch of homework, half of which had to be completed before we left class. Uh yeah. Urgh so I compiled my mind around equations for a couple hours, then when we were finished we went to my mum's. We picked up Jacee and Kyle and wet to a local Mexican restraunt. Jazz really likes Mexican food, go figure, *smiles wickedly* I made a funny. Then we went back to Jazz's.
Jazz and Brodi are doing better about each other, but still icy to one another, pissy at best. Brodi is still on and on about Kyle. I thought I'd humor her and ease up the situation so I hung out with her last night. Jazz and Kyle went out for a 'walk' before his nightshift (uh eewww), and I fixed me and Brodi raspberry vodka with orange pineapple and mango juice. Apparently the vodka was a little stronger than I thought, well I did put four and a half shots in my cup, but I was a bit er- tipsy. lol. I giggled again for no reason I can remember and when my cup was empty I filled it up again. Though I did ease up on the vodka the second time around and the third. That's when Brodi tried to get me to talk, which in my drunken stupor I obliged until the little twat tried to go CIA on me and trick me into confessing something. Well she didn't drink as much as me it seems, and had another angle. So Jazz yelled at her for telling my mum that she and Kyle were in the shower together, and Brodi wanted to know who told Jazz my mum knew. Well I did of course, their are some things my mum does not need to know and that would definitely be one of them. Well I lied easily and told her 'that it wasn't me and that I was tired of them trying to blame stuff on me. That every time they decided to keep something from one another it was automatically my fault the other person found out, that it wasn't my fault they had big mouths, and she should try blaming one of the little blond headed people running around my mum's.' I ended on an exceptional note by looking angry and hurt, at which she looked a tad bit regretful and said sorry. So ha, try squeezing info out of me when I'm drunk again! I dare you! Uh after my last big mouthed rant, I learned how to keep my big mouth shut! Now I'm just working on the 'stop adding more alcohol to the cup when your already drunk bit', hey I'm a working progress! So now it was my turn to listen to her rant about Kyle and threaten to move out. She was on and on about how Kyle hit on her before he met Jazz, how she turned him down. I love Brodi, but I don't remember the last time she turned a guy down. So whatever and she told me she didn't find him attractive, and didn't like him and asked me if I did. No of course I don't, yeah no sarcasm their. Well my annoyed self just told her that it didn't matter if 'we' don't like Kyle that Jazz does, so 'we' should just play nice and do 'our' best to get along. So basically I agreed with her so she'd just quit and hush up for awhile and told her to be nice, and stop stressing out Jazz. It seemed to work okay and we were trying to find a way to not bore us to death, when I got sleepy. Apparently vodka does that to me so I passed out on the sofa.
That was that, Kyle teased me about the empty bottle when I woke up, I didn't really have much of a hangover, but I had a bad day when I got home. Stupid company, my cousins and a truckload of people I had to baby-sit, because apparently stupid teenagers don't know how to behave in a pool. So I yelled at my cousin who took the whole thing as a joke and wouldn't listen to me, and didn't seem threatened by me at all. He back talked me and I got so mad I just went outside and he came out to apologize. Course the whole thing happened in front of Jazz and Kyle, the little bastard laughing at me while I was yelling at him. Jazz nor Kyle said anything, thanks for the back up, really. Well at least they didn't tease me. I think Jazz made him apologize, but she wouldn't say anything to me about it either way.
I was embarrassed by being laughed at, but wouldn't show it, I was only angry. I'm so getting him back. He won't laugh at me again. By time I'm through with him he'll be walking on eggshells around me, and terrified of insulting me. By next Thanksgiving he'll be the most polite boy you'd ever meet. But what to do. what to do? Oh I'm sure I'll think of something. I'm tired of these little teenagers disrespecting me and thinking they'll get by with it.... it's on now.
So Jazz wanted to stay the night with me, after I chased everyone off. I was tired, I wanted to go to sleep, but no one would listen. I lit a nice scented candle so I could relax, took a bubble bath, threw on a white t-shirt, and some tinker bell pj bottoms. Okay so I looked goofy, but I was comfortable. So I was listening to Christina Millan- When You Look At Me, trying to keep myself awake. Which if you've ever heard that song, it's quite effective. So guess who shows up with Jazz and Jacee? Kyle. I still like him, a little, but will he go away? No. So I settled them in, gave Jacee a bath, and waited for Trixi to come over to help me fix the filter on the pool at like ten at frickin night, in the dark, with a flash light. It didn't work so she left, and I announced I was going to bed, but I had to stay up and talk to Kyle while Jazz was putting Jacee to sleep, then I went to bed. At like frickin 11:45, Jazz wakes me up so I can listen for Jacee while she was in the bath. She finally got out and I went to sleep. Then I woke up for school at nine, but I didn't feel so good, so I skipped. I think I ate bad Chinese take out, because I was hurtin, and felt messed up. I needed a mental health day anyway my nerves are shot, I haven't gotten enough sleep lately, and I've had one too many bad days lately. I will hopefully spend the night alone, and just chill the flipp out before I have a mini nervous breakdown and start bawling again. Plus I need alone time to plot revenge.
enough for now
Just A Touch
Just A Touch
It was just a simple touch across my stomach that made my heart beat faster than it should have. I don’t like him. That’s what I keep telling myself. The water glided across my skin and my body plummeted to the bottom of the pool. He had dunked me again. He grabbed me wrist tightly as I reached the surface. He smiled playfully, waiting for me to catch my breath, and I was back under. The cost of splashing him. Jazz shook her head as he walked toward her, she gave him a warning look, but then she smiled and was dunked as well. That’s the way it should be. I felt like I was invading their space.
I focused my attention to Jacee who was for some reason playing with a cup of soda. They floated about and I felt guilty. Guilty because I like him, even though I don’t want to, and guilty because I feel annoyed when they get all ‘close’ in front of me.
I was over this crush just the other day. Then they arrived at my home. I was in my room so they joined me. Jazz handed me Jacee and went to change, while Kyle lay on my bed. I must have given him the weirdest look, but he didn’t seem to notice. It wasn’t a big deal, their was no other place to sit. I lay on Jazz’s bed. No big deal. Other people have laid on my bed. I don’t like people on my bed, but it never felt so wrong. Guilt. My crush shouldn’t have been in my room.
Then we went out to the pool. All it took was a simple touch across my skin to make it all the feelings come tumbling back. My heart beat faster, and I ignored it....
enough for now
The Return Of Her Wicked Self
So Cara thought it best to decide that this morning at six o'clock would be a good time to return to town and get her stuff. Frickin swear. Did I really want to get up at six in the morning and listen to Jazz's rants about stupid, stupid Cara? Uh no! Yes I stayed at Jazz's house again, no I'm not living their, I do in fact have my own home. Jazz just for some reason thought it best to keep me around for awhile, to be honest I'm wore out, and tired and tired of sleepin on the sofa. I mean seriously Jazz, can you say guest room? Oh and I'm super grouchy this week. It happens. I was a total bitch to Brodi, but being as I wanted to smack her since she got back into town yesterday; I think a few harsh words are just fine. So back to Jazz... she was tired of Kyle yesterday so she came over, and we went swimming. We talked awhile, and laughed at Jacee. I'm happy that she can escape to my house with Jacee when she needs a break. I think Kyle was just grouchy, and she said she was tired of his little comments for a minute. So I was kidnapped by her whining, and off we were. Boy was Kyle surprised to see me! I mean he just got rid of me right? Lol. I don't know I didn't really feel anything, but sisterly towards him. It's weird. I bicker with him instead of Jazz. She chills out and every once in a while cuts in. She seems more relaxed that way. Kyle was always nice and lovely to Jazz, he teased her playfully (gag me, I know), but he wasn't rude to her like me. He started being rude to her, and she wasn't having it. He seemed to have straightened up today. Maybe he just needs someone to be rude to? I dunno he's arselike enough to be odd like that. So they seemed okay for today, and I was totally bitchy. I don't even feel bad for it. I put up with enough crap from the lot of them, especially Brodi and Rosi, so every great here and their i'm bitchlike and they just have to deal.
So Cara. Remember the great key debacle? Well I don't remember if I already told you, but her apartment got broken into not long after. Some of her electronics were stolen including a laptop and TV. It was her own fault for throwing a baby fit and staying in Pluto. Seriously she refused to come back! She also blamed Jazz for all her troubles. Like Jazz is a frickin genie and magiced Cara's life miserable. Stupid Cara. Anyway she tried to blame Rosi, but being as Rosi is the only sister who was talking to her, that didn't become anything. She waited until Rosi got off work this morning and met her in her apartment. They packed up her stuff and Cara started texting Jazz. She was being a real bitch; it was like her final rant before leaving town. Jazz texted her, but wouldn't answer her calls. She told her that if she was just going to yell, then she had no reason to talk to her. I dunno they kept at it until Cara left her a voice mail saying she was done, that Jazz wasn't her sister anymore, and she didn't want anything else to do with her. Anna called Jazz. She's all like "Did you know that Cara called me like twenty times this morning and apparently we're disowned?" Jazz laughed. She didn't say anything about yours truly (lol) but I suppose I'm disowned by association. She also called Jazz like four times after she disowned her. I told Jazz, Cara wasn't doing it right. I told her after you disown someone you stop fuckin calling them. Seriously. That's all their was to it. Cara disowned us all, but Rosi, bitched out Anna and Jazz, got her stuff, and left town. Jazz wouldn't let me talk to her.... I had a few choice words being I was extremely bitchy all day, but alas Jazz thought it best to keep my lil' nose out of it. Though to be honest I'm all in it anyway, whether I say anything to Cara or not. All I know is Cara had better start apologizing, the sooner the better. stupid Cara. You thought that was the end of Cara? Ha! Not with sisters. Even disowned sisters are hard to get rid of. Sure she was acting like a jerkfaced flobberfluser, but she's still a sister. That doesn't mean she'll just get off the hook so easily, it just means she always has a chance to try and succeed. Once she chills the flip out and makes it right by us we'll be back to talking and arguing in no time. Sisters, nothing else like em. I'm still totally pissed at her though, and I prolly won't talk to her for a few months.
I told Jazz she should have dropped me off at home and refused to call me for like three days. She should be tired of me, I should be tired of her, we should be fighting by now. We usually are after so much time together. I think it's because everyone else was stressing out my jazzy and being a bitch to her; no one can be a bitch to my jazzy but me! She wanted me to stay over tonight to, but I told her no, that I was tired. I will be oh so happy to sleep in my own bed tonight. I'm on my third cup of java, but no worries, I'll have no problem passing out tonight.
The thing about Scott.....
I decided it best not to start anything with him. Jazz keeps trying to push me to invite him out with us, but it's not going to happen. I just didn't feel anything with him, gotta be honest. I felt more with Kyle than with Scott. Bubbles that's horrible. Nothing happened I just mean talking in the same room, to each other. I'm so screwed. Kyle keeps trying to push Jazz into family mode with him and Jacee. He told me in confidence that he'd want to adopt her eventually. I feel bad fro him. I know Jazz loves him, but she also loves Jacee's dad, though he's not exactly in the country per say. Her dad would never allow Kyle to adopt her, neither would Jazz. I hope Kyle can deal with that, Jazz has always been honest with him about Jacee's dad. I am definitely not saying anything or getting in the middle of them. I think it's something they'll need to work out, and I think they will. I think they'll be married after Jazz finishes school, and I'll be a bridesmaid, and Jacee will be flower girl. Bubbles Scott will probably be a groomsmen. *shakes head* ugh, note to self find bf that's cute, loud, and completely shallow. That's what I think I need now, though I'm probably horribly, horribly wrong.
enough for now
Stressed Out anD Trippin Out
***Yesterday***
So I had a bad day yesterday. I fell asleep working on my presentation. Stupid me. I should have done it a week earlier, but I've been busy and procrastinating. So I barely finished it on the way school. I woke up and someone threw my half wet clothes out of the dryer. As it turns out my dryer is on the fritz, so the clothes I thought would be nice and clean and dry were wet, and smelled funky from not being dried properly. So I had to rewash them and makeshift an outfit from my closet, being as the outfit I was going to wear was being washed again, which sucked. Then I got into an argument with the person who tossed out my clothes, and it wasn't a big deal apparently 'I was just being a drama queen'. Then I get out of the bath and Jazz calls and tells me we have to leave 30 minutes early. I have time to throw my stuff in my bag, put on foundation, throw my half blowed hair in a messy ponytail/bun thing, put eyeliner on one eye, throw on my makeshift outfit and run out the door, b/c Jazz is in my driveway honking. I get into the car and Brodi is being all pouty, and Jazz is all pissed and tense. I get my stuff out start
preparing talking (bickering more like). I decide to fix my makeup and I start crying. Just crying I couldn't help it. I looked bad, I had nothing ready, I thought I'd look stupid in front of everyone and fail my class, plus Brodi was buggin me, I had to go home and fix my laundry, my frickin cable went out again which bothered me, plus an argument with someone, add guilt to it over a few dreams about someone I shouldn't have been having
dreams about and stir in cramps. I tried hard not to outright bawl, and succeeded but I just couldn't handle it. So I cried, and suck it up, I refused to tell Jazz anything, wonder why, and fixed my face. I finished my speech and ate a mcchicken.
Then onto my presentation, which I totally blew, even though I had tons of notes that I just ended up getting lost in, confused, and I couldn't speak well. I'm not a public speaker. My Professor didn't say anything and people clapped, but I totally and utterly sucked. I went back to my seat, and almost started crying again, a few covered up tears escaped, but I don't think anyone saw me. I went to get a tissue for my nose. I so don't want to be the weird girl who cries in class. It took all kinds of happy thoughts to calm myself down. I didn't hear a word anyone said for and hour after; I hope Jazz paid attention for the rest of the class.
So I stayed the night with Jazz and Jacee and Kyle. After Jacee went to sleep I made us each a glass of mango orange juice and malibu. As it turns out they decided they didn't want any so I finished it off mine and theirs which made me a bit erm tipsy, we'll go with that. Nothing happened then, they went to sleep and I lay on the sofa. I talked to Rosi on the cell, and went to sleep. That's when I tripped out.
Ok seriously, I don't even know what happened. A drinking induced nightmare I guess. The left side of my temple started throbbing, I felt like I couldn't breathe, like I couldn't get air, the veins in my head went crazy, and I couldn't control my body, I couldn't make it move, I couldn't yell for help, I couldn't see, I heard someone screaming in my left ear, but no one was their but me alone sleeping on the sofa. When it stopped I could have swore I saw Kyle, but I couldn't ask him for help, b/c I couldn't talk and I passed out. More like I had a nightmare woke up and fell back asleep. Weirdest flippin dream ever. I wasn't in pain when I woke up, I didn't feel bad at all I mean my head didn't hurt, but I dunno I just didn't feel right. I suppose it's like falling in your sleep, like when you dream you’re falling, and fall out of bed? I think it just means no more malibu and juice before I go to sleep. Well my bad day turned into a worse day, and ended with a nightmare.
***Today***
I woke up and I didn't feel right, but I didn't know what was wrong, weird, so nothing. Jazz seemed like she wanted to know why I looked so confused so I told her I had a dream about flying monkies that wanted to eat my brains. I wasn't so sure I wanted to tell anyone around me about my nightmare. They already think I'm crazy enough, even though I'm not crazy just a bit eccentric at times. So I ate a bowl of cereal and Jazz and I cleaned her house. Then we waited for Kyle to get home and went too my house to go swimming. Jacee looks so cute in the pool, she likes the water now, and she's getting brave, so I have to keep a good grip on her. Jazz and Kyle played around, but I wasn't up to messing around with him. I didn't feel like being tossed about so I kept the baby, and let the other two mess around splashing and dunking each other. I still haven't talked to him by the way, but he hasn't been playing around with me, so I might not have to say anything. Which is good, b/c now I kinda like him I don't feel so comfortable with him anymore. I don't want him grabbing me, or playing around... it's awkward.
enough for now
p.s. love that song by kid rock 'all summer long' you should so youtube it !!!
Love Or Infatuation?
So I hung out with Scott last night.... I don't know he was quiet, nice, he had nice eyes, and he thinks alot, but says little. Ok I'm a dork but we watched Grandma's Boy while we played Monopoly with Jazz, Kyle, and Brodi. Later we played cards and talked awhile. He didn't seem very interested in me last night, and hello I so wore my tastefully low-cut silk shirt, and dark tight jeans..... they make my arse look oh so good, and from Scott ........nothing.......... I didn't even catch him looking, neither did Jazz or Brodi ... I asked. Brodi looked more than Scott did, which is just sad. I had an embarrassing incident where my boob popped out of my shirt a bit when I was moving over the game board, and Brodi told me, no one else noticed thank goodness. I thought I'd die of embarrassment... but seriously hello! if that didn't even get a look theirs no helping me. I don't even know if I like him like that, ok honestly I don't. He is just not my Mr. Darcy. He sent me a message that he "enjoyed meeting me and he had a nice time last night". That's just like a polite 'yeah it was nice but I don't like you, but I want to be nice about not liking you' blow-off right? So I'm not into him, but why is he not into me? Jeez I don't think my gigantic ego can take rejection well..... even if it's polite. Is it bad if I want him to want me even if I don't want him? I don't know. I need someone loud, and totally into me for right now. I won't pursue, not my style. I like to flirt and tease and be flirted with. Right now I just want some crazy loud guy to have fun with, and as nice as Scott is....I just don't think it's gonna happen, not that it matters since he doesn't like me anyhow. I even pretended to be nice! I am not nice! ohgrrrever... I was nice to him. Well expect more details over the next few blogs, that's just all I want to say about that right now.
Jazz is mad at me. What did I do? Not much we were in the pool again, and yes I'm sun burnt to hell (though I did apply sun block twice!), and Kyle wants to play around like he always does and tosses Jazz in the water, then a little while later me. The jerkface almost drown me! Well not really, he just got water up my nose. I was swimming underwater, and with I came up for air he was their, and he picked me up and tossed me. Not enough time to breathe before going under I guess, I choked a millisecond. He didn't laugh at me, I thought he would, but he seemed concerned, and made sure I was okay. Jazz doesn't like him playing around with me, I can tell. I think I'm gonna talk to him about it. Can you say awkward? Well it would be if it was anyone else, but Kyle. I can talk to him about things like that for some reason, I'm comfortable around him. I think that bothers Jazz. I don't see what she's so grouchy about it's not like we like each other or anything. Me and Kyle? Ewww, seriously. Never gonna happen. Ok so maybe I liked him or something for a bit. It doesn't matter, because I'd never say or do anything about it. Ok so maybe I really do like him for some weird twisted reason I dunno, some infatuation that will hopefully disappear, because it will forever be unrequited if it doesn't. Some lines I'll never cross. He is making plans to be a happy little family with Jazz, he loves her, he loves Jacee. I'm happy for them. I just like Kyle. That's something I'd never say aloud, never even whisper. I don't feel guilty about liking him either, I don't see the point. He belongs to my Jazz, and I wouldn't let anyone come between them, especially not me.
enough for now
Better Than Yesterday And Wet From The Pool
I woke up tired. I hadn't planned on getting out of bed, but Jazz called and wanted to come over and go swimming. I thought the water would be a good idea. I love to swim, I love cool water gliding across my skin. I saw Jacee in her lady bug bikini, she so cute with her popbelly! I was instantly cheered by her smiling face and baby laughs. Like yesterday didn't even happen. I was still not up to my normal self, but I'm better today. It's so weird, I was listening to the radio last night, and when any sort of song started that wasn't sad and depressing started I had to turn the radio off. I just couldn't stand it. Normally music cheers me up, but not yesterday. Oh well enough of that, yesterday still hurts and I do not want to go back their.....
So we were playing in the pool me and jazz took turns holding Jacee. Jacee is very particular about who holds her in the pool, she always wants Jazz, but she'll let me hold her. So Kyle decides he wants to grab Jazz and dunk her, I laughed, he picked her up and tossed her in the water a few times it was funny.... until it was my turn. He grabbed me from behind like he did Jazz and tossed me in! He was a little ruff the few times he tossed me in the water. Words I wouldn't whisper: I like being paid attention to, listened to, but I'm not comfortable being grabbed like that by anyone. I'm kind of a touch-me-not and like I wrote before he is ruff with me. He is still kind of arse like and won't lay off, even Brodi said he was being mean to me. ok seriously! I'm trying my frickin best to be all friend-like and keep the peace and not go all bitch on him, but I can only take so much! I have a bruise on my arm again and I don't remember where I got it, but I have a feeling Kyle was involved... urgh. stupid boy.
enough for now
The Depressed Day Ramblings Of Me
I cried in the bathroom until my head felt like it would split in to. I had no more tears to cry so I took a bath and climbed in bed. Then nothing...... I turned on my TV and half watched some cooking show. I ate some m&m's. It was the guilt that I can never seem to escape. It eats away at me like a black pit with me. It hurts, it burns, it breaks my heart. The past unforgotten takes it's toll on the future, it shapes that which I cannot do and that which I am not strong enough to do. It makes moving forward impossible so that I can only dwell on the past, that which hurts, that which I regret. Forgiveness. I never bought that word.. It's like a cruel joke. A joke the fates bestowed upon mankind to laugh down upon us as weaker beings. I don't believe mankind is advanced enough to ever truly forgive, no matter what we try to convince ourselves of. Maybe our grandchildren or great-grandchildren will have better luck. Guilt never leaves within you, the person who supposedly forgave you, their still hurt, they still blame you. They never forget, it's never the same as before. So how is that the great theory of forgiveness? I just don't think we're doing it right. To forgive someone for hurting you, to me is like saying "I know you hurt me, but I'll pretend it didn't happen and we can be friends again, even though you'll probably do it again, because you know I won't do anything...." it's like a free pass to let people repeatedly hurt you. So where's the good in that? I know people aren't perfect, no such thing as perfect, but mistakes still count, only children get 'oopsys'. I feel broken and tired, like crying again, but I won't.
enough for now
To Spill A Drink & Get Peed On
I had quite a day... nothing out of the ordinary... I had school today, I split dr. pepper all down my pants, and I got peed on. lol yeah.... how bout that drink. To bad I don't drink anymore, see when I drink I talk tooooo much!!! So I quit, well recently, see I blabbed to my cousin Trixi stuff I didn't want her to know. Damn Tequila, so I thought it best I don't do it anymore. I am just a happy, talkative, giggling drunk, the happiest drunk you'd ever meet. Well not anymore. Life choice. I only drank once or twice every few months, so I guess I'm not a drunk per say, but no more fun time margaritas for me. Well, at least not until I learn to keep my big blabbering mouth shut! Bad Truly!
Anyway, I guess your wondering how I managed to spill pop on me again! Frickin clumsy gene that's how! Rosi was working the window at Mickey Dees and accidentally didn't put the lid on my drink all the way. yeah flippin thank you trixi. I couldn't go home and change, because I would have been like an hour late to class, so I sucked it up and went to class with dr. pepper spilt all over my jeans. Jazz told me that it was okay, and not to cry like fifth teen times, I asked her why, and she told me I looked like I was going to cry. Well I was frickin about to, I am stressed out big time, and that was the last thing I needed to happen this morning. Anyway lucky for me Brodi didn't come with us today. Jazz and I both noticed how less stressful that made the day, even with the 'pop incident' we had a good day. So after class when I'm usually on my last nerve, and ready to go home, I hung out with Jazz.
We picked up Kyle, and went to mum's to get Jacee whose diaper wasn't on exactly right, because when I picked her up and sat her on my lap, she peed. It leaked through all over my pant leg. So, yes I got peed on. Thankfully, only baby pee, which has happened several times since she's been born so whatever. I'll wash. Bubbles that's weird, before Jacee was born I would have freaked if a baby peed on me. I mean pee is pee! Now I'm not so shocked by it, babies are gross. If you ever have a baby you should know that. I am happy that when I eventually have babies, that little fact won't shock me. I mean they pee on you, sometimes they poop on you, they spit up on you, they throw food on you, they get food off the floor after they drop it, no matter how fast you are racing towards them to get it away from their mouths, yes they eat it anyway. I don't particularly let Jacee eat floor food, but she tries hard at it, almost like a game, no matter how many times I say 'no' dirty' or 'ewww, don't eat that'. Oh and she's almost sixteen months so she's very mobile, and floor food isn't as gross as the dirt, she thought she try. okay ewww, Jazz told me about that.
So after mum's we went to Jazz's and made spaghetti with Disney shaped pasta for Jacee. That was fun. I even had a pleasant conversation with Kyle, he's back to being a punk to me, and that's how I like it. He doesn't grab me anymore, it's just his ever so arsejack like comments, and I'm happy with that. He even drove me home, and we had a pleasant conversation. It was nice to actually talk with him again.
well enough for now
With Matchbox Twenty I Remember
It's the days that follow that make the rest hard to forget. The past forms who we are, and if we're truly unhappy with ourselves, past slip ups are hard to forget. It's the dreams that get me in the end. I dream I'm back there, still burdened by past truth. If I could only return their as I am now I'd do better, I'd be better. I try to forget such lucid thoughts that cause sad daydreams, and create such an unrequited longing. I say that because that's all it will ever be. I can't go back. I can't right wrongs, or pretend I have. I am what I've become. I am embittered by my mistakes, I am grateful for what I've done right, and I'm still lost in the sadness of longing that I will never lose. I have to live on, and be more than I am now, that seems the great balance of the fates. Am I sad that I have lost a love, or that I have never loved? That I have never had the opportunity, or that I have passed it by, because of my own fears? Do I miss someone I try not to remember? Someone that was never my someone? Someone that I didn't even know, not really... That I think of him when I'm thinking of nothing. That when I'm happy I see his face, and wonder why? My someone I didn't know, my someone that was always their, my someone who I never knew.
enough for now
Wicked Day Of Disallusions
I woke up. My cable went out. I climbed in the backseat of Jazz's car. My hair got wind blown in an unforgivable manner. I arrived at school. Brodi started being a bitch and whinning. I put her in her place, which means I had to yell, which gave me a headache. I had a four hour algebra class. Yeah that was just cruel. At the beginning of class I bought a 7 up which fizzed all over me. A little embarrassing, and sticky. Did I mention I was stuck in that class sitting right beside Brodi? Then after class I went to my mum's for dinner with Jazz and Brodi. Ummm ..... yeah ...... Oh! guess who was at my mum's for dinner? Kyle. He just kind of acted like he hated me and ignored me. Words I wouldn't whisper: Even when kyle is a total arsejack to me, even when he's being just mean I can tell he still like's me, even if he makes me hate him I can tell, I can feel it. Today he was far away and I can't get an emotion from him.... a read on him some call it... I couldn't tell what he was thinking or feeling. Oh why dod I bother? Forget him. I'll let him hate me. Oh frogs flying finacles! Did I forget to mention he asked her if he got her an engagement ring whether or not she'd except it? Barnacle brains and popping bubbles. That would be why he was all pod person. Hello enlightenment. So why was he hating me, but pleasent to her. She turned him down, I had nothing to do with it. And YES he knows I had nothing to do with that even before you wonder. This is not my bad. But he still hates me....
well enough for now
A Poetic Twist
Days Of Blah
By Truly Edwards
I'm fallen to darkness that embitters my soul
lost to the happiness that once burst my heart into laughter,
disalussioned genius that hides light form my eyes,
contemplating growth of my innocence that turned to lies,
not as young as I once remember,
Sighing among dragons that spit fire instead of words,
words that danced over lips, like rain on a cool day,
forever lost in arrogance and ignorance,
and tales of time that have no ending.
I had a really long day.... i'm no poetic genius, but I do the trick. By the way I used word pad, so no spell check, my bad.
enough for now
To Love Or Not To Love?
I emailed Scott last night and we talked for a bit, but my pc was acting up and I couldn't send emails for awhile. He had to go to sleep b/c he had to work today... gees it's always something with the poor guy! I mean everytime I try to talk to him, something happens, something comes up, and I have to go!!! Ugh I hope he doesn't think i'm blowing him off, because i'm really not.... he said he liked talking to me :) that's a good sign. Speaking of signs, maybe someones trying to tell me something, being as I haven't got to talk to him more than fifthteen minutes at a time, gees, maybe i'm cursed.... well i'm definately cursed but maybe i'm just not meant to date Scott.... course I do believe in fighting for what I want, question is do I want Scott? I think i'm going to hang out with him sometime this week... maybe it won't matter what I want, 15 minutes isn't a long time to talk about anything of importance... maybe we won't even like eachother after hanging out for awhile. Honestly I don't even know if he's who i'm looking for....
I want to love as love is meant to be. Love was meant to be as it was written by jane austen. Pride and the Prejudice, Sense and Sensibilty, Emma.... my favorite stories of all time about love. That is the way I want to love, like the Pride and the Prejudice. Is that so wrong? Why should I settle? Maybe I know Scott isn't what i'm looking for, and i'm just giving myself a headache over nothing. Maybe I should cut it off before it starts and just have a new friend. Ugh I don't know, i'm no good at this... why take a leap if I know i'm going to fall? Is that taking a chance or is it just emotional suicide? By the way i'm cringing at that word I don't like it, but it's the only one I can think of to work to make myself understood. I suppose we'll see what happens, i'm off to find chocolate.....
enough for now
Betrayed By A Sister, Foiled By A Genius, Angry At A Friend
Let me start out by saying Cara is a complete and total arse! Jazz helped her move, she helped her find a job, and she watched her children (Tristen, Cambry, and Sam) and she helped her find an apartment..... so how does she repay her? She goes all bitchy psychotic on her, leaves her stranded in (let's call it pluto, to protect aminimity and all) pluto, four and a half hours from home! Get use to me calling it pluto, i'll mention it alot, being it's where my oldest half sister(Anna) lives. So if your keeping count that's three sister's i've mentioned in total: Anna the oldest, Cara's next, this is where I fit in Truly, Jazz, and another I haven't metioned, Roslyn aka Rosi. So she leaves her and Jacee stranded in pluto and throws a fit after Jazz gets mad!!! She has some nerve! Jazz was only suppose to be gone three days, she didn't make it home until five, and that's only because Cara's mom brought her home. Apparently Cara wantd to stay an extra half of week. wanker. My sister, I can call her a wanker, you can't, nanners. Anyway so after a very angry Jazz gets home her cell blows up with nasty text messages from Cara and her louse(her bf, i'm not bothering you with a name, he is just a louse after all)!! So Jazz wrote him back a few choice words and Cara wrote her back saying her louse was just playing around and she, Jazz, didn't have any reason to be so bitchy. I personally would have found a way to smack her through the phone, but the all knowing better Jazz said f-her and that was that. Cara decided to move back to pluto, well she hasn't been back since anyway.... then it happened one day.....
Jazz was complaining about how Cara hadn't come back up here, and how she needed to get her things out of Cara's apartment (things Cara barrowed and hadn't retured furniture and some clothing) she was going to ask the landlord to let her go in and get her stuff, it would of been okay being as he knows both Jazz and Cara.... Brodi told her to go ahead and call him. Now Brodi and Jazz hadn't been getting along so well.... Kyle and Brodi still argued and Jazz and Brodi were on the rocks, but being best friends it was only a matter of time before they decided to get along again, well until the awe inspiring Anna openned her wise mouth and let Jazz in on a little secret..... well it was no secret Brodi had dissapeared supposedly with friends for a few nights, but she was caught in a lie, and Jazz was angry. Now some may say it was none of her business where Brodi was, but they would be stupidly stupidly wrong (yes I know stupidly isn't a word). You see Brodi and Jazz don't lie to eahother, they never have, and for some reason Brodi thought it wise to lie directly to her face..... awww will she never learn?...... Now they didn't say much on the subject until one night Jazz was complaining to Anna about her stuff being held hostage at Cara's, that's when Anna told her just to use the key Cara left with Brodi and Rosi. WHAT!?! Oh no she did not just tell her to call her landlord to unlock the place when the key was in her pocket! seriously!?!? What is wrong with the girl? Well where Brodi's been, not so much a secret anymore.... Jazz a bit angry? Uh yeah, little bit.... and don't get me stated on Rosi! Crazyarse girls.
Words I wouldn't whisper: It wouldn't bother me if Brodi moved out of Jazz's, I think they'd be happier that way.... I haven't seen Kyle, but when I was texting Scott I left the cell in the car with Jazz while I ran in somewhere and told Jazz to tell me if Kyle texted me! whoa, did I just say kyle? to Jazz? Instead of Scott? Bloody effing hell, I so did. Lucky me she didn't say much about it, we were just talking about him, and that's exactly what I told her. I think she bought it. whoa bought it? Fuck. No I wasn't texting kyle, but I was thinking about him subconciously, I guess, nothing bad, just how I hadn't seen him today..... I should make out with Scott, yep think I might, we'll see...
oh I went to see Sex and the City the movie, it was a good movie, lot of naked people though....
enough for now
It happened In A Day
I just noticed it was summer.... hadn't paid attention till now, crazy I know, but it was just a sudden realization that hit me like fresh summer air. That's it, I think it's the air that brings it about, makes me crazy for trouble. It makes me lovesick and flirty, daring and brave, kissable and irresistable. Aahhhhh summer! Their's nothing else quite like it. I can't even blame it on the sun, it's even worse after the sun goes down... the sky all dark and the air warm and sweet ...like I can't get caught being all adventureous, and even more thrilling thinking I might.... gees this is why I try to stay close to home where summer can't find me, so I can chill out and relax until the air cools my head again, though I do love fall.... oh well i'll try to ignore it, that's it try to ignore summer, keep my head in my books, pass my classes, and concentrate on school. I'm in college by the way. Where you ask, i'll never tell, i'll just say it seems to take forever and a day to get their and home again. So I suppose that in itself we keep me preoccupied from summer.......
Again and again
So I saw Kyle, Brodi, and Jazz yesterday. We all go to school together except Kyle. Yet when I was visiting my mum, their he was, took him all of two seconds to start being a jerk to me and tease me about Scott. He kept calling him my bf, and maybe he will be, but like I said last time it's just started out, we'll see what happens.... and I have one of those annoying mum's who always want to know my business, but it's awkward and I refuse to tell her well... pretty much anything. I start talking to her about guys and she'll try having the S-E-X talk with me again *awkward' .... I try to avoid my mum knowing my guy business at all cost. Lol my mum thought my sister Jazz was still a virgin untill she was like four or six or how many ever weeks pregnant, good times good times. Back to Kyle he wouldn't hush about Scott untill I made Jazz shush him up, luckily for me my mum didn't catch on. I'm still at a loss of what to do about Kyle he has stoppd being so grabby and rough housy, but he is still rough with me, and it's just like playing around so I don't wanna cause trouble, but i'm not convinced I won't have to whack him with something and put him in his place either.... urgh stupid sister's bf's!!! Words I wouldn't whisper: I like how he treats me when we're alone, like friends who talk to eachother and get along and talk about people in our lives and our favorite tv shows and just anything. I hate it when he talks to me like he does in front of other people like he doesn't like me, or he hates me, like he's only doing a horrible job of pretending to be nice to me for Jazz's sake. It twist my stomach in knots... why can't he stop being a stupid, insane, guy and treat me decent in front of other people? I think the stupid pricks just nice to me when we're alone so he can have someone to talk to. And if your wondering why i'm alone with the jerk anyway it's because I stay some weekends at Jazz's house, and being left with the jackarse somethimes is unfortunately unavoidable.
Scott @ work
Scott was working yesterday late so I couldn't talk to him alot, but it's cute how he never seems to want me to get of the phone. I don't think he likes saying goodbye to me ; ) i'd say things are going good, as long as the summer air leaves things be.....
enough for now
Whispered Words
It's everything I can say and everything I can't. The words that cross unspoken boundries. Theese words I wouldn't even whisper, i'd write write them, to be hidden in plain sight. For all to see, but the ones they'd hurt, that i'd never do. I am loyal to my own even in expression of thought, I love them. Whatever I write, is that which i'd never say, for all those who found feedom in words.
A week and a weekend
I stayed at Jazz's to help her with Jacee, Britt, and Ally. Jazz is a single mom, my younger sister, my closet sister, and my best friend, though you could never tell. We argue and bicker at eachother just as anyone else would hold a conversation, but we are still close. If we talked to anyone else the way we talked to eachother we'd have an enemy for life. It is just different with us I suppose, she was my first sister. So I knew she was stressed and fighting with my older sister, half sister, Cara. I took Jazz's side no questions asked, though i'd never say it to Cara, no matter what happens i'll always been on Jazz's side. She was having problems with her roommate Brodi. Brodi is also my friend, though more by convience than anything else (i'll explain later), because Jazz's new bf, Kyle, was staying with them, and they were talking about making it permanant. I think Brodi is just jealous, mostly because she told me she was, and because she was being a bitch to Kyle and sulking. Of course I sort of pushed them together, Brodi didn't like it, but when I met Kyle, he was sweet to her daughter, good to her, and Jazz was happy, really happy. I stayed one weekend at her house, but it only took me 24 hours for them to go from sort of dating to ever so proclaimed bf and gf. Yeah I know i'm good like that :) but problem he's not quite who I thought he was.... well mostly to me.
I'm having mixed feelings about him, it's weird. When we're hanging out together alone he's nice to me, sweet even, but when we are with anyone else he's a right arse. He teases me like a mean older brother, and he rough houses with me. Earlier I was sitting on the couch we were just argueing, teasing one another, and he pushed me off the couch, I told him i'd kick his arse, and he hopped on me. He sat on my stomach and pushed my wrist down, I tried to kick him but he grabbed my leg from behind him. I told him to get off , but he was just playing around apparently, and said "whats up now?" I had to yell for Jazz, she was angry and told him to get off, he did and just played it off. He's always doing that grabbing me and trying to rough house, he's given me a few bruises, but I didn't say anything, I knew he didn't mean to, though I still blame him. I'm torn between sucking it up and feigning nice and kicking his arse myself, and tossing his crazyself out of my sisters house, and telling her should dump him! Which she would if I talked to her about it, she'd dump him in a heartbeat if I right out said what was going on. So what do I do? It's only me he treats that way, not anyone else... He was teasing me, and my sister had a 'talk' with him, he apologized a few times to me, but he still acts the same and then apologizes. It bothered her to see him treat him that way, but she doesn't see it all. I wouldn't take it from anyone else, I do defend myself with him, but it just doesn't seem to change anything. I'm not some wimpy girl who would just put up with it for anyone, but it's not anyone is it? It's Jazz. Like I said he's not all bad, but then again he hasn't crossed the line yet, he'd be stupid to. Fuck maybe i'm just deluded... it's funny he teased about us having a love/hate relationship.... I think he meant it. I just want to get along with him for Jazz and Jacee's sake, I don't want to love or hate him or even be friends with I just want pleasentries and I don't think that's to much to ask. Words I wouldn't so much as whisper: I like him paying attention to me, I don't like him hurting me, but I like him payin attention to me. I'll never admit that again, i'll never say that out loud, it's just a thought, i'll soon forget, a boundry i'll never cross.
A guy of my own
My new guy. So I started texting this new guy, Scott, Brodi told him of me and he wanted to text me and meet me. Well of course he did, i'm quite a catch, but that's not the point... so i'm texting Scott who, I think might just be someone I want to meet *smiles* and what does Kyle do? He teases me about Scott relentlessly, before he started to be a jerk to me, when he was all sweet I asked him what he thought of Scott, and he didn't really say much but didn't seem to think I should text him, but I did anyway and now he's all for it and won't shut up! He seems to think Scott just wants to get in my pants. So I guess i'm not capable of meeting a guy that would just like me, no according to Kyle he just wants in my pants. Thanx kyle, you prick, i'm not that kind of girl (well yet) and I prefer a more eloquent relationship and word choice when it comes to those matters! Even if I spell eloquent wrong. I think Scott maybe in the picture for a bit *winks*, bubbles help me if Jazz wants to go on a double date! Maybe i'll just have Scott put him in his place, even though i'd prefer to do it, but kyle is stronger than I am...... we'll see. Words I wouldn't so much as whisper: Scott seems to like me now, but when he finds out I won't sleep with him, I think he'll dump me, I don't know that he will, but I think he might, so I don't really want to get attached to him, even though nothings really started, i'm trying to watch my back so I won't get burned. I'm tired of being single, I just want my somebody, but I still have my principles, and I won't do just anything to get me a 'my somebody'. So i'll just have to see what happens. My lovely logic.
enough for now
