My Life Past
Just so you know: This Is Not Something Pleasent To Read, Not Funny or Humorous Or Scandalous Drama I Promised; Just Something I needed To Write....................
It's happening again as it's always happened before. I tell myself that I'm older now, that it can't effect me anymore and her stupid mistakes won't hurt me again. It started when she cheated on my dad, she moved us all out, and broke his heart and it was just so she could see her boyfriend and act like a teenager. I was a teenager then. My mum disappeared and I had to deal with this crazy old wanna be teeny-bopper and all her drama. The drinking didn't help. She gave up on her raising us and decided it would be better to just drag us through her crazy life. We went back and forth from my mum and dads until my younger sister's settled with my dad, I couldn't get along with either so I moved in with my grams. I always felt like I had to fight to keep my place, like they could snatch me back up at any one moment and I'd be miserable again. So without us in her way she left us for her boyfriend and they moved to the other side of the country.
She left us broken and hurting and just saving face and trudging through. She came back after awhile married to a louse who didn't treat any of us right. He was a jerk and just mean most of the time. They both moved in with my grams. She took up to trying to be my mum again when it suited her fancy, bossing me around and I wasn't having it. We fought allot, but I tried not to upset my grams and gramps, but I couldn't help it I was only a kid still. It was miserable with them here. My mum moved my younger sister's in with us for awhile we were all miserable. They finally moved out, and I stayed. She made me anxious, unsure, always on my guard, and she made me look like a spoiled little prat who wouldn't obey her dear old mum. She just forgot to mention that she'd stop being my mum long ago.....
They moved around to different houses for a few years with my sisters in tow, but stayed between two towns. I blame her for Rossi. Why Rossi is the way she is. I felt guilt for her hurting and destroying herself, but I couldn't do anything about. Rossi is still self destructive, but she's getting herself together, she's intelligent, gorgeous, and other than her language she's a beautiful person she just has a bit to go still, to grow.
I hate it the most that dear old mum always makes me look selfish, spoiled, and prat like. So what if I was trying to take care of myself, to look out for my best interest, somebody bloody fucking had to!!!! It sure as hell wasn't going to be her. My grams and gramps always take her side over mine, even when she's wrong, or treats me badly. It was always my fault over hers. They raised her; I was still a kid they were supposed to be taking care of me. They did, they do, I'm grateful for them, for all they do for me, but it really, really sucks when they put her over me.
My grams and gramps are like my parents now; they have been for several years now. My mum's husband died. I didn't care. They had so much drama, fought so much, they were horrible together. My poor sisters. Is it bad if you feel relieved when someone dies? I don't even feel guilty for being relieved though I've never said it or written it before. How did he die you ask? He overdosed on drugs one night. Him and my mum were splitting up. Heart failure due to drug overdose. I don't know if it was accidental or not. They never suspected that it wasn't accidental, I thought he might of done it on purpose, though I really didn't care either way to be honest. That was over; she cried few a few weeks and started seeing someone. My guess it was the someone that she was already seeing before. Then time went on and she started seeing the boyfriend she lives with now, he's nice and I like him well enough. My sister's do too. She started acting like my mum again. She drank on weekends and whatever else, but it was good for awhile. Then Jazz had Jacee and it got even better with her.
As for me, I never forgave her. Something's you can't forgive it just hurts to much, the pain is embedded into your soul, and nothing ever makes it go away. I forgot, I tried, I ignored it. We were one big happy dysfunctional family. Now she's been cheating again. Money problems, and she suppose to move out. He doesn't know about the cheating, or so they say, but I suspect different. Nobody is that blind. And the spiral begins again. I didn't play my role right, I didn't take pity on her and now I'm a spoiled at fault rude prat again. This time I'm an adult. This time I don't care what she thinks. Jazz already blames me for being rude. So day one I'm rude. To bad. I told her I wasn't rude to her yet, but if she didn't stop then I would be. I'm sick to my stomach. My grams pities her, and is worrying about her. I say it's her own fault, I said that. Now I'm cruel and uncaring. Maybe it's because I've never forgiven her. She'd tell you theirs nothing to forgive her for, that it was all just me, my fault. Maybe I'm right, hell maybe it's her, but I can't ignore how I feel right now. I'm anxious again and my stomach hurts. I'm ignoring it for now, I tell myself, that's all I can do, ignore it. What else can I do?
It's just Jazz. Urgh it just hurts so bad when she doesn't stand up for me! I always sand up for her, even when I'm pissed at her. I tired of being the one that never gets chosen, the one whose always just their, the one nobody thinks of unless they need something- second rate. I'm tired of being second-rate. Sometimes i'm just so tired....
enough for now
