The Words I Can't Whisper
Just a diary of a young adult.
The Life and Times Of Yours Truly
Blog I started that's written within a three day period, but I'm posting as one blog anyways because I want to and I can.
Days and Times Of Yours Truly
Blog I started that's written within a three day period, but I'm posting as one blog anyways because I want to and I can.
A Look I Can't Forget, A Night I'd Want To
I am such an idiot! Urgh! Now I see right through Brodi's ploy! The incredible git! Ok I thought it would be a good idea to get a bit pissfaced Saturday night, with a bit of encouragement from Brodi. So Brodi and I hung out and played poker and drank beer. Lots of beer. We bet truths and dares. My idea. Thought it would be funny. Had to bet something. lol. I'm such an idiot. Did I notice the evil gleam in her eyes when I suggested it? No of course not. Why would I? Grr. So after a round of poker you had to do your truths or dares or be told what they were so you could do them the next day. I'm usually always up for a good dare. It's the bloody fucking truths I hate. So I lost. I lost bad. Who knew Brodi knew how to play poker? Not me! She barely knows how to play go fish..... which would have been a safer game in retrospect. The dares were stupid hilarious things, we could laugh at later. The truths were her prying for information. Info she could use to blackmail me with. Alcohol affects my mouth more than it does my brain.... I talk allot.... before I even knew what I said it's just out their. She asked me for all kinds of info on Jazz. That bitch! She thinks I'd betray my own sister!?! Even drunk I know better. I told her a few things that Jazz would care if she knew or not and didn't tell her anything Jazz wouldn't want her to know. Then she asked me who I use to fancy and I told her. Urgh. Don't worry not Kyle. I've placed that with a bit of loneliness and brief insanity. No I'm talking about something much worse. If she tells Jazz I'll die. It was someone a long time ago before Brodi and if Jazz remembers who he is she'll tease me. I think I'll just crawl under a rock now. It doesn't really matter I'm just edgy about it I guess.
It's after that, I was just mad at Jazz over something stupid. It just showed once again that no matter how much I love my sister she'll never love me the same. Again I'm second rate. She'll put other people before me. And she did then, after, that's all I was, just an after thought. I help her with Jacee, I spend time with her, and I help her with whatever she needs when I stay over at her house. It was Brodi who betray me, I confided in her that I was angry and she told Jazz. After the day was over she called me and tried fix the problem. It just hurt. I know why I'm not completely dense. That's why it hurt, and I felt completely useless and miserable that she would think she had to call me like that.
Sometimes I'm afraid that no one tells me the truth because they don't think I can handle it. Like I'm fragile soul and if they push me I might hurt myself or do something drastic. That they don't trust me on my own. It's an unconscious second look from the corner of their eyes before they leave me by myself. I don't know. I am not that way I'd never do anything like that. I just always end up crying myself to sleep. Like I did last night I felt horrible. So I silently cried myself to sleep for hours and when I woke up well past noon I felt like made myself sick. I still feel sick. But it doesn't hurt anymore. I just had some really jacked up dreams. I woke up a few times and went back to sleep. No harm no foul. They don't know I cry so I don't see why they have any reason to look at me like that.
I'm tired...
enough for now
Just An Update
Urgh! I'm so glad finals for summer term are over!!! You don't even know. I'm still waiting for my final grade, but I'm optimistic. As for Jazz we had a slight confrontation about the whole ordeal. I told her that it was best if we didn't discuss our mum cause we'd only end up pissed and in a fight. I'm still hurt that she just doesn't seem to get it. If anyone should get why the thought of mum repeating history should hurt me so bad, it's her. She just doesn't get it though! How could she not!?! I'm frustrated, but I won't let myself be upset again. I think she may be in some weird sort of denial.
Anyway my nieces were up last week, from Pluto. They were much better behaved than they were last time they were here. Thank bubbles because I was the one watching them the whole time. It was nice to spend time with them, I miss them.
My mum also decided to stay with her bf. Less stress on me, so I'm happy about that. The downward spiral is on pause for now.
I'm proud to say I've been inspired and working on a few of my writing projects! We'll see what comes of that.
Things with Kyle are normal for lack of a better word. He is my Jazz's bf, and we just get along and talk. He's pleasant enough to me now. He doesn't play around with me anymore, which I'm extremely happy about. We are like adult acquaintances and that's how I like it. So things in that department are good.
Brodi is mopey all the time now, but we are not fighting so things are good. We get along well enough.
I guess I'm content. I'm quite happy with content, just weary of it. I'm usually most content right before my little world gets blown up and it all goes to hell. Well we'll see.
enough for now
My Life Past
Just so you know: This Is Not Something Pleasent To Read, Not Funny or Humorous Or Scandalous Drama I Promised; Just Something I needed To Write....................
It's happening again as it's always happened before. I tell myself that I'm older now, that it can't effect me anymore and her stupid mistakes won't hurt me again. It started when she cheated on my dad, she moved us all out, and broke his heart and it was just so she could see her boyfriend and act like a teenager. I was a teenager then. My mum disappeared and I had to deal with this crazy old wanna be teeny-bopper and all her drama. The drinking didn't help. She gave up on her raising us and decided it would be better to just drag us through her crazy life. We went back and forth from my mum and dads until my younger sister's settled with my dad, I couldn't get along with either so I moved in with my grams. I always felt like I had to fight to keep my place, like they could snatch me back up at any one moment and I'd be miserable again. So without us in her way she left us for her boyfriend and they moved to the other side of the country.
She left us broken and hurting and just saving face and trudging through. She came back after awhile married to a louse who didn't treat any of us right. He was a jerk and just mean most of the time. They both moved in with my grams. She took up to trying to be my mum again when it suited her fancy, bossing me around and I wasn't having it. We fought allot, but I tried not to upset my grams and gramps, but I couldn't help it I was only a kid still. It was miserable with them here. My mum moved my younger sister's in with us for awhile we were all miserable. They finally moved out, and I stayed. She made me anxious, unsure, always on my guard, and she made me look like a spoiled little prat who wouldn't obey her dear old mum. She just forgot to mention that she'd stop being my mum long ago.....
They moved around to different houses for a few years with my sisters in tow, but stayed between two towns. I blame her for Rossi. Why Rossi is the way she is. I felt guilt for her hurting and destroying herself, but I couldn't do anything about. Rossi is still self destructive, but she's getting herself together, she's intelligent, gorgeous, and other than her language she's a beautiful person she just has a bit to go still, to grow.
I hate it the most that dear old mum always makes me look selfish, spoiled, and prat like. So what if I was trying to take care of myself, to look out for my best interest, somebody bloody fucking had to!!!! It sure as hell wasn't going to be her. My grams and gramps always take her side over mine, even when she's wrong, or treats me badly. It was always my fault over hers. They raised her; I was still a kid they were supposed to be taking care of me. They did, they do, I'm grateful for them, for all they do for me, but it really, really sucks when they put her over me.
My grams and gramps are like my parents now; they have been for several years now. My mum's husband died. I didn't care. They had so much drama, fought so much, they were horrible together. My poor sisters. Is it bad if you feel relieved when someone dies? I don't even feel guilty for being relieved though I've never said it or written it before. How did he die you ask? He overdosed on drugs one night. Him and my mum were splitting up. Heart failure due to drug overdose. I don't know if it was accidental or not. They never suspected that it wasn't accidental, I thought he might of done it on purpose, though I really didn't care either way to be honest. That was over; she cried few a few weeks and started seeing someone. My guess it was the someone that she was already seeing before. Then time went on and she started seeing the boyfriend she lives with now, he's nice and I like him well enough. My sister's do too. She started acting like my mum again. She drank on weekends and whatever else, but it was good for awhile. Then Jazz had Jacee and it got even better with her.
As for me, I never forgave her. Something's you can't forgive it just hurts to much, the pain is embedded into your soul, and nothing ever makes it go away. I forgot, I tried, I ignored it. We were one big happy dysfunctional family. Now she's been cheating again. Money problems, and she suppose to move out. He doesn't know about the cheating, or so they say, but I suspect different. Nobody is that blind. And the spiral begins again. I didn't play my role right, I didn't take pity on her and now I'm a spoiled at fault rude prat again. This time I'm an adult. This time I don't care what she thinks. Jazz already blames me for being rude. So day one I'm rude. To bad. I told her I wasn't rude to her yet, but if she didn't stop then I would be. I'm sick to my stomach. My grams pities her, and is worrying about her. I say it's her own fault, I said that. Now I'm cruel and uncaring. Maybe it's because I've never forgiven her. She'd tell you theirs nothing to forgive her for, that it was all just me, my fault. Maybe I'm right, hell maybe it's her, but I can't ignore how I feel right now. I'm anxious again and my stomach hurts. I'm ignoring it for now, I tell myself, that's all I can do, ignore it. What else can I do?
It's just Jazz. Urgh it just hurts so bad when she doesn't stand up for me! I always sand up for her, even when I'm pissed at her. I tired of being the one that never gets chosen, the one whose always just their, the one nobody thinks of unless they need something- second rate. I'm tired of being second-rate. Sometimes i'm just so tired....
enough for now
Show Someone You Care
Never Love Me
They'll never love me,
Even as I write.
Heartless whispers,
Burn my sight,
Endless rumors tear my eyes,
Never love me,
They never will,
My heart is empty, blank, and hurting still.
My unloved, uncared, unheard dilemma,
Never love me.
I cry while im sleeping, and as I wake
When I'm alone,
And my smiles are fake,
Never love me .
My lies of careful happiness,
Leave me to myself .
You think im happy,
You think your proud ,
I lay crying while you can't see,
They'll never love me,
I know they won't ,
I tell myself I don't care. I can't care
But it hurts so bad.
To you im still perfect,
But they'll never love me,
It's just a cruel fact,
However much it pains you,
I just can't live with that.
Too many people only notice something is wrong when it's too late to do something about it. It's when you get that feeling something is off, but you choose to ignore it, thinking the problem will sort itself out. Take the time to notice, take the time to care, take the time to talk. Sometimes a few simple words can save a life. Be a friend, show someone you care.
enough for now
Tired of being expected
Tired of being expected
I'm tired of being expected to be a certain way. The truth is I have a regular behavior pattern, but so what that doesn't mean that's all their is to me. Quite frankly I'm a bit bored. I'm tired of my boring summer; I'm tired of hiding out and never having any fun. Just you wait, as soon as I'm not sick anymore and confined to my room, it is so on. I think sneakiery, trickery, and secrets are in order, a fun little mind game to amuse me. The only question is who, pray tell will be my unsuspecting little victims? It's not like I ever get caught doing anything rotten...... will this time be different? And where oh where to start? Ugh my head hurts, I'm going to lie back down, I was up all night coughing, I could really use some sleep before I begin plotting.
enough for now
Oh where oh where do I even begin?
In Four Parts
This is me blabbering about being sick
Ok I'm sick, I'll start with that I suppose. Yes my allergies were bothering me, then my ear started hurting, then my throat, and my nose is all funky. I got a cough two days ago, but I stopped running a fever, so I take that as a good sign. I have these horrible allergies that always make me sick even though I take medicine, every once in a while I end up sick like this, I have my whole life. It'll last anywhere from three to seven days, I take my medicine and it slowly clears up. I just feel miserable, my head hurts and my thoughts are fuzzy, I can't concentrate and I feel either cold or hot, and my body is achy. Needless to say I'm not very nice when I get sick. My brain tells me to be nice, and I try but stupid people make my head throb. Like inconsiderate Jazz. When I'm sick I can't deal with her crap, her voice makes my head throb no matter what comes out of her mouth. She is just inconsiderate! This morning, I was sleeping on her sofa and she woke me up just so she could sit down! There was no need, it was not the only place to sit in her house, and she was just being a right arse! Then she yells at me for a rude comment I made later on because she was being an arse again! She's not suppose to yell at me when I'm sick Mum said so!!! Ok I might be a bit more blunt when I'm sick. Kyle was trying to tease me this morning and I told him to shut up that he was getting on my nerves. Why does he feel the need not to lay off when he knows I'm sick, I'm nice to him when he's not feeling good. arsejerk!
He Did Not Just Say That:
So we were in the car, Kyle was driving, Jazz was in the passenger seat, and yours truly (hehe) was in the back. Jazz was complaining about her hair while putting on some makeup and I was grumbling about my nails (I so need a manicure) so Kyle being the arse he is starts teasing us. Talking about his hair and his nails. So I said something like "Just be happy we care what we look like so you don't have to be seen with us looking all funky in Wal-Mart or something." Then he said "Well I'm pretty sure I'm not your boyfriend there insert stupid nickname here!" Are you bloody fucking serious? I know he's not my boyfriend, there is no bloody way he could be my bf even if I did have a stupid crush on him, which is so over by the way. He is such a prat! I told him "uh duh, I never said you were," in a quite grossed out manner. Then he argued over what I said for like eight minutes before he realized that's not what I said in the first place the stupid, stupid boy! Why am I tolerating him again? Oh yeah Jazz, well he better get a brain transplant or something cause I'm not sure I like Jazz enough to put up with him for much longer.
Brodi Is Confusing
I like her, she's a good friend. She's insane; I don't want to deal with her. She's being a bitch, I'm talking about her. She's being stupid, I want to smack her. She's nice; I think I'll call her. She's whiney; I'm indifferent and slightly annoyed. She's being cool; I'll hang out with her. I give you two days with Brodi. She a bloody fuckin emotional rollercoaster! The twit drives me practically crazy after an hour, and yet she's one of my best friends. My life is a little jacked up I must say.
Stupid Kyle and Pod!person Brodi {Before I Got Sick}
So one morning after Jazz left for work. I heard Kyle and Brodi talking and they were getting along. They sounded like good friends. At first I'm thinking that I'm having a really twisted dream, then I rolled over and realized I wasn't asleep. Then I just wanted to walk in their and smack em both. So they fight and give Jazz all this grief about living together when she's around but their laughing at each other's jokes behind her back? What kind of shit is that? My first thought was that the little bastards owed Jazz an apology. Then I thought Kyle should hate Brodi and get along with me, laugh at my jokes not hers. Yeah, yeah shut up I know. So then I felt guilty for thinking that cursed under my breath, and pushed that thought right out of my mind. Then I wondered if something was going on between them. They are alone together, they live together and Jazz works different hours, then the other two. They have the time for a relationship, but do they have the balls? They have the perfect cover, it's a known fact that that hate each other, they have a short unromantic history together, and they openly admit not wanting to live together. It's perfect really. Quite brilliant. One would think if they were going to get together it would have happened in their past, at least once and it didn't, Brodi likes to brag to me about her conquest. Brodi's like a guy when it comes to sex. She said that Kyle hit on her allot at one time but nothing came from it. I of course thought she was full of it, being as she'll almost sleep with any hot guy with a penis. They seem to really hate each other, so I nodded and agreed, but I didn't believe her, not really. I know Kyle is a cheater, I just never thought he'd cheat on Jazz. It'd break her heart, and I'd have to stick him in a large crate naked, so he'd wake up penniless and naked in timbucktwo. I felt guilty about thinking Brodi would do that to Jazz though, because I don't honestly believe she would. Maybe and probably to anyone else but not to Jazz. That's why they haven't woken up nakey in a crate some place far, far away. Oh I just thought it would be funnier if they were nakey in some foreign country with no way to get home, and no clue as to how they got their in the first place. Yes I know I'm rather wicked, but I don't mind.
Well I'm rather sleepy so
enough for now
Angry Rant Of Today
What pisses me off more than being pissed off is standing up for someone I'm pissed off at when someone else is being bloody fucking stupid about them! I don't see why they can't be reasonable! Fuck! I'm getting all itchy again, I do when I get really, really pissed off... urgh I think I have an ulcer aswell. My stomach keeps hurting and that's the best I can guess, especially while I'm all itchy! Frickin people! I swear! I'm pissed at Jazz for not staying home. I told her I had stuff to do today and she came over anyway and the first thing she did was make a mess after I'd been cleaning. She didn't bloody fucking pick up after herself either. I have school tomorrow and I still have homework, but now I can't concentrate cause I'm all itchy. I'm still doing laundry aswell, plus I have to stay over and babysit this week, which is fine but I kind of just wanted to stay home this week. Guess that's going to happen. Ugh and people keep coming over and using the pool, especially my idiotic cousins who I'd rather didn't know where I live with their weird friends I don't want in my house. I had a really fucked up dream today too, which made me in a worse mood if that was possible, now I remember why I seldom take naps. What did I dream about you ask? I was betrayed, cast out, and ignored. Suddenly that's not sounding so bad....
enough for now
Just Some Music
About This Girl
I have learned so much in my life, yet I'm still incredibly behind with a whole world left undiscovered. I keep expanding my horizons bit by bit, though it doesn't seem like enough. I've never witnessed the ocean with my own eyes, or rode in an airplane. I've never been to Disney world or climbed a mountain. I've never skied or scuba dived or sailed the seven seas. I've never been to Paris. I've never seen a pyramid or a leaning tower. I've never fallen in love or gotten butterflies. I've never had a kiss that made me close my eyes. I've never stood under a waterfall or been anywhere tropical at all. I've never eaten chocolate in the rain. I've never seen a castle or ridden on a train. When I was little I chased faeries that I could never see, though I've always believed in magic and blessed be. I've always known what I was meant to do, even though I'd never admit it afraid I'd never come true. I use to wish on stars upon stars the dimmest, the brightest whichever my heart told me to choose. I like to win, I hate to lose. I sometimes say the exact opposite of what I mean. I like to think things through, everything no matter how ridiculous it seems. I am not patient, though I understand the term 'opportune moment', but I hate it. I know what I want just not how to get it, that I'm sure I'll figure out along the way. I want my happily ever after, but this is just me, what can I say?
enough for now
Before I Had To Be
I'm awake before I had to be. The telephone people are suppose to come by and fix my phone. Ironic being as it's like the billionth time since we've changed phone services. I want to change back, but no one else seems to think it's a good idea until it stops working then there all for it. They patiently wait until it's fixed, and then are all like 'Why bother it works fine now!' Seriously.
So I don't know why but after my last blog, my mum seem to come to her senses and say hi to me, she also asked me to come out and swim with them. So I went swimming mostly because Jazz and Jacee were their. Stupid Kyle, don't know what I ever saw in that arsejerk! I don't even like him know, erm at all. I don't particularly like him for Jazz either.
He is so frustrating! And not in a good way! He always has to be right, no matter if he’s wrong! I don’t know he’s oddly starting to remind me of my mums’ dead third husband. This is very, very bad. We all hated that bastard. So I don’t know. I think he has it out for me though. And no I’m not being all paranoid, he really seems to have something against me. He’s mean to me! Just plain mean! He’s been grabbing me again, and throwing things at me in a ‘playful’ manner I guess, but I think it’s more than that. I think he bloody fucking hates me! Hello, who could hate me? I’m just so cute! Not to mention pretty, intelligent, creative, witty, charming, and just well- wonderful. It’s very hard to hate me. It’s like a sport, not allot of people can manage.
Even other people are starting to notice the way he treats me. My mum told me to talk to him. Like that'd do any good. Jazz makes him apologize and gets mad, she's yelled at him for me more than a few times. Trixie told me to kick his arse! Brodi-- well they really hate eachother and all they do is bitch about eachother. I think she's secretly potting to get rid of his arse, but has failed in her attempts thus far. She just tells me that he's really mean to me. Like I don't already bloody well know that!
Anywho, I’ve got to figure something out for Jazz’s sake, sweet bubbles! She asked me about weddings the other day. This does not bode well. I’ve got to do something! I wouldn’t if I thought they’d live happily ever after, but I don’t especially since he’s channeling DR. Something must be done! To save Jazz! I think I’ll just talk to her, before I do anything drastic. Yeah that seems to work out better in the end.
Bloody Hell! I hope she’s not secretly engaged! I don’t think she’d keep something like that from me, but then again, she didn’t tell me about Jacee until everyone else already knew. Surely she wouldn’t do that again. That hurt, I still haven’t forgiven her for that! I’m her Truly after all, she should have told me first, not let me just figure it out on my own. Which I did before she even told my mum, but still. She’s my Jazz she should tell me things like that. We are private people for the most part, other than my blog. She should tell me those things first.
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My blog- Just written words sent into the great nothingness known as the internet, for all to read, but no one to care whatever it is I write. No one to tell my secrets. Just the freedom to put my words out their, to clear my head.
enough for now
Walk It Out... Walked On More Like
B
loody fucking hello to you to. Seriously! Urgh! Fine I just live here but no really- feel no obligation to say hello! It's not like your my mum or anything.... oh wait you kind of are. Gees love you to. I hate when she does this! Completely ignores my existence. They don't tell me they're coming over and then they just ig-bloody-fucking-nore me when they get here!!!! It makes me so mad. HELLO! I'm in my room, where I usually am about this time unless I'm not here. They make me feel uninvited in my own home. Like I should leave or something when they come over to swim. It's bloody fuckin rude is what it is. I think they ignore me so I won't come out to swim with them. Heaven forbid I go OUTSIDE in my bloody flippin yard. Insensitive pricks the lot! Fine whatever just leave me alone, I won't say anything to you, they had just better not come in, and ask me for anything because I might be a little pissed off. They are so going to come in and want something, they always do. Ignore me until you need me. That's how it always was.enough for now
To Go Back
You become a different person, and convince yourself this is who you always were. You live your perfect life, then one day you return home. Everything is different, yet something's never change. Your school was torn down and rebuilt. The playground is different. The town square has changed, some things are gone, and others are built. The highway is the same. You take comfort in that. This is the same highway you remember. The highway you rode in the back seat while your Dad drove to the store. The same pavement your mum yelled at you on for bouncing around in the backseat. The same highway your once best friend drove on to take you home after school. The highway that shared your laughs, cries, gossip, and heartache. You remember who you were here, where you came from, how you changed. You appreciate what you've done right and ask yourself what the hell is wrong with you for all the rest. You knew better once upon a time ago, you knew never to betray yourself, and you fought like hell make yourself better. You're no better than you were. You're sick to stomach for what you've been through, disappointed for what you've become. You remember the little girl who wanted to become something wonderus, the lost teenager who never found herself, and the young adult who was just getting threw the day. The adult who's trying to change. It hurts to go back, it's scary and uncertain. I'm no better than I ever was.
enough for now
Another Fight
Ignorant loathsome bloody fucking prat! He does not know how to shut the bloody fuck up! For the love of chocolate I could scream he makes me so angry! Wonder if I can block his number? Take a hint, stop calling me! Grrrrugrgh..... according to him all I do is complain. Of course he considers any opinion different from his as complaining or 'bitching' as he calls it. Yes the phone is still ringing. I know it's Jazz, but she seriously needs to do something about her prat of a boyfriend. Lalala I can't hear you. I know I'm being childish, but I don't care I've had enough! He accuses me of being childish anyways, I've got bloody fucking news for him if I were as childish as he claims me to be, he would seriously hate me right now. I'd superglue his toes together, dye his hair pink, put makeup on him while he's sleeping, and you tube his ass. Then I'd soak his boxers in raw meat, dry them, put them back in his drawer, and let him go to my mum's without a word, so her dog could bite him in the arse! Don't forget the semi permanent Barney tattoo, he'd find right next to his nose at three am when I called to say 'hi'. I'd also run water over his wallet & stick it in the freezer, dye his tennis shoes purple, and give him a fro-hawk just for the hell of it. Me childish? You ain't seen nothing yet. That was just off the top of my head I haven't even begun plotting yet..... I feel better now.
enough for now
Forgive Me
A right to be angry. I don't need permission to feel angry. I don't need permission to feel for that matter. Make mad, make me scream. It's always the same with me. It's over stupid little meaningless things that I see within someone else what I hadn't ever seen before. That's when they fall in my eyes. I feel disappointed; it's like a slow hurt set on simmer. I burn for it to have never have happened a look in my eyes will tell you all you need to know if you only know what to look for. I'm going out tonight with a group, larger with every minute being as everyone keeps inviting someone else. It should be fun. I'm so mad at Kyle by the way. I can't look at him with out a strong desire to want to smack him sideways. Anger, disappointment, and hurt bubble my veins at the thought of him. I think I'm just going to call a truce for tonight, and resume it tomorrow if I can. Which I can, I've always been strong willed. Oh tomorrow it's so on I don't forgive, I don't forget..... but for tonight I'm going out....
enough for now
Drabble Of Unblogged Blogs
Hates must have frozen over, and the devil must be ice skating, because I once again found myself staying at Jazz's. URGH! How does she talk me into things I don't want to do? How does she manipulate me so? Well I don't bloody fucking know how she does it, but I personally prey upon human emotion and twist other's thoughts so they believe what I want them to believe, therefore planting emotion into thoughts, and preying upon that feeling to twist people to do as I please. That and I'm bloody fucking great at lying. The trick is to make people believe that your a terrible liar, and establish a fake facade for your lying, so when you lie your able to appear honest, and when you want them to believe your lying about something you can pretend to tell the truth about it, while using your fake facade so it appears that your lying about a lie being true. Get it? Well maybe I spend to much time with lies, but then again I do have four sisters, and a very nosy mum!
So I'll ignore all the Jazz drama for a bit, and get to the point. It's a bit bland this way, but I suppose I'd take forever to give detail and I do have an early midterm today. Here goes: I had a great fourth! Swimming in the pool, blowing stuff up, eating hot dogs (turkey ones of course!), and throwing around a football (I so throw like a girl, but I don't care being as I am one!). Then Jazz's birthday week came up, so we went to an amusement park, out to eat, and to see a movie (Wanted. Bloody fucking twisted movie, a bit gross in parts, but crazy stunts! So love it!) We went shopping today and bought oh-so-sexy shirts to wear to the bar we're going to Friday! Yeah bar! It takes so much to make me happy. Shit. I think I'm getting delirious. uRGH. Back to point -> so we're going to the bar Friday and my mum is sending Trixie with us. Now I'm more than happy that Trixie is hanging out with us, however my mum's sending her to spy on us. Seriously. Anything I do in a bar I do not want my mum to know about! So Tricky Tricky Sneaky Sneaky. If she can't remember what we do, she can't tell on us right? *evil grin* Put lime in the coconut and shake it all up. Bloody hell I know I won't be remembering anything the next day either I'm going to get totally pissed! I do like limes.
enough for now
Go Home, Leave Me Alone
Ok, seriouslY? I've turned fuckin' I dunno something, it went down like this......
So no one wants to leave me alone! I was attacked again by visitors, and not the cool kind from another planet. Yeah my lame attempt at humor. See these people are slowly, but surely turning my brain to mush as I haven't had a quiet moment to contemplate my thoughts. Now that I'm alone they've got me all nervous, paranoid, and wigged out that I'm going to be disturbed by their presence at any moment. Now that I've gotten rid of them, they call me and ask me to go places with them, don't they understand I need alone time. Sides that I'm seriously frickin disturbed over what I heard last night, and a bit nauseous to be perfectly honest. They came over late: Jazz, Brodi, and Kyle. Jacee was with them over course, but I never mind seeing her. I told my sister that I was tired and I was going to bed early. So after a bit of polite conversation on my part, and getting them settled in I was off to bed. So I was relaxing so I could prepare to drift off to sleep, and a knock at my door. I got up and answered it. Jazz was all like what are you doing? My room was pitch dark and I was in my pj's I groaned and told her I was fuckin sleepin. I thought it was the stupidest question I've ever heard, and the way she looked at me like 'Why is it dark in their' I smiled and tried not to laugh. I mean it's late at night someone's in their pj's with all the lights out and like bedhead, what the hell do you think their doing? Feeding flobberberries to trodgent larks? Damn. So anyway she wanted me to check the weather cause it was storming, so we looked at it at I shooed her off, but not before she could tell me to listen for Jacee, because she was going downstairs. Hello, going to sleep? Guess frickin not! So when they came back up stairs I fell asleep, and then I woke up a few hours later because I heard Jacee crying. I got up and Jazz was getting her a bottle so I went back to bed.
Some sort of noise woke me later that morning, about one or two so I got up to see what the bloody hell was going on. I walked through the hall into the kitchen and got some juice..... nothing ...... went back to my room ....... their it was again ...... walked to the hall to the bathroom ....... nothing ...... onto my room ...... again..... fuck it, I'll tell Jazz .... heard it again I called Jazz's name in the room I put her in surprise, surprise their laid Brodi and a sleeping Jacee. Brodi started giggling and told me that Jazz was busy at the moment, but stupid me was tired and still didn't get it. So she informed me that Jazz and Kyle were in the guest room and they were the source of the noise. First off.. EWWW, secondly I was bloody livid! How dare she wake me up at one or two in the morning doing THAT in my guest room!!! I don't bloody fuckin care what she does in her own house, but in my home? Their is something seriously fuckin wrong with that, I'm about disgusted with them both. So I knocked on the guest room door harshly and told them to 'shut the bloody fuck up I'm trying to sleep!!!' Then I went back to bed, young love my arse! They can young love it up at their own house! Then I hear the water in the bathroom running. Someone's in the bath. Bloody fuckin great now I have to bleach the tub!
So I finally got back to sleep and woke at nine with the sound of Jacee knocking at my door, I got up and opened the door and got a great big hug! She's already knocking on doors! She is so smart! She knows where auntie Truly is! Then Jazz and Kyle were walking around cleaning up after themselves, and I told Jazz to make sure she cleaned up her mess and to make sure she changed the sheets in the guest rooms. My voice was not so nice, but I wasn't in the best mood, I think I'm scarred for life. The sight of the two of them still makes my nose scrunch up in a displeased manner, and I'm still a little more than disturbed when I look at the lot of the two. Plus I was flippin tired from being woke up so much. She asked me why I was so nice when I stayed at her house and not when she stayed at mine. I thought 'because you don't wake me up at one in the morning doing bloody the fuck knows what in my guest room *cringes* when I stay at your house, plus I still have to bleach my tub, eww' I said 'because you lot always make a mess, and I'm always picking up after you leave' she replied by saying that I make messes at her house to, but I told her I clean her house. Which I do, so point made. We were on friendly enough terms when she left, but I made sure she was staying home tonight and I was going to have the night to myself. Ok so we're good. Then she called and wanted me to go to the drive in with the lot. I declined, I told her thank you for inviting me, but my stomach was giving me problems.
Well good thought out of all of this, anything I felt for Kyle disappeared I'm happy to report I feel nothing for him, but slight nausea and disgust. Bit dramatic? Well you didn't hear what I heard. Lucky you.
For the record it’ll be a cold day in Hates before I stay the night with them again, I don’t think I could stomach a repeat. urgh... eww... *valley girl voice* like totally gross me out!!
enough for now
A Lion In The Vodka Pool
I was writing this yesterday, but got interrupted, so I posted it today, but wrote it for yesterday. Okee? okee.
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So I had school yesterday, but my class was semi canceled because my Professor fell ill. Poor Professor, but I was like yeah! No Professor it's time to kick it at home.... right? Uh no apparently the rule about your Professor not showing up after 15 minutes is null and void where I go. The academic dean came in and gave us a bunch of homework, half of which had to be completed before we left class. Uh yeah. Urgh so I compiled my mind around equations for a couple hours, then when we were finished we went to my mum's. We picked up Jacee and Kyle and wet to a local Mexican restraunt. Jazz really likes Mexican food, go figure, *smiles wickedly* I made a funny. Then we went back to Jazz's.
Jazz and Brodi are doing better about each other, but still icy to one another, pissy at best. Brodi is still on and on about Kyle. I thought I'd humor her and ease up the situation so I hung out with her last night. Jazz and Kyle went out for a 'walk' before his nightshift (uh eewww), and I fixed me and Brodi raspberry vodka with orange pineapple and mango juice. Apparently the vodka was a little stronger than I thought, well I did put four and a half shots in my cup, but I was a bit er- tipsy. lol. I giggled again for no reason I can remember and when my cup was empty I filled it up again. Though I did ease up on the vodka the second time around and the third. That's when Brodi tried to get me to talk, which in my drunken stupor I obliged until the little twat tried to go CIA on me and trick me into confessing something. Well she didn't drink as much as me it seems, and had another angle. So Jazz yelled at her for telling my mum that she and Kyle were in the shower together, and Brodi wanted to know who told Jazz my mum knew. Well I did of course, their are some things my mum does not need to know and that would definitely be one of them. Well I lied easily and told her 'that it wasn't me and that I was tired of them trying to blame stuff on me. That every time they decided to keep something from one another it was automatically my fault the other person found out, that it wasn't my fault they had big mouths, and she should try blaming one of the little blond headed people running around my mum's.' I ended on an exceptional note by looking angry and hurt, at which she looked a tad bit regretful and said sorry. So ha, try squeezing info out of me when I'm drunk again! I dare you! Uh after my last big mouthed rant, I learned how to keep my big mouth shut! Now I'm just working on the 'stop adding more alcohol to the cup when your already drunk bit', hey I'm a working progress! So now it was my turn to listen to her rant about Kyle and threaten to move out. She was on and on about how Kyle hit on her before he met Jazz, how she turned him down. I love Brodi, but I don't remember the last time she turned a guy down. So whatever and she told me she didn't find him attractive, and didn't like him and asked me if I did. No of course I don't, yeah no sarcasm their. Well my annoyed self just told her that it didn't matter if 'we' don't like Kyle that Jazz does, so 'we' should just play nice and do 'our' best to get along. So basically I agreed with her so she'd just quit and hush up for awhile and told her to be nice, and stop stressing out Jazz. It seemed to work okay and we were trying to find a way to not bore us to death, when I got sleepy. Apparently vodka does that to me so I passed out on the sofa.
That was that, Kyle teased me about the empty bottle when I woke up, I didn't really have much of a hangover, but I had a bad day when I got home. Stupid company, my cousins and a truckload of people I had to baby-sit, because apparently stupid teenagers don't know how to behave in a pool. So I yelled at my cousin who took the whole thing as a joke and wouldn't listen to me, and didn't seem threatened by me at all. He back talked me and I got so mad I just went outside and he came out to apologize. Course the whole thing happened in front of Jazz and Kyle, the little bastard laughing at me while I was yelling at him. Jazz nor Kyle said anything, thanks for the back up, really. Well at least they didn't tease me. I think Jazz made him apologize, but she wouldn't say anything to me about it either way.
I was embarrassed by being laughed at, but wouldn't show it, I was only angry. I'm so getting him back. He won't laugh at me again. By time I'm through with him he'll be walking on eggshells around me, and terrified of insulting me. By next Thanksgiving he'll be the most polite boy you'd ever meet. But what to do. what to do? Oh I'm sure I'll think of something. I'm tired of these little teenagers disrespecting me and thinking they'll get by with it.... it's on now.
So Jazz wanted to stay the night with me, after I chased everyone off. I was tired, I wanted to go to sleep, but no one would listen. I lit a nice scented candle so I could relax, took a bubble bath, threw on a white t-shirt, and some tinker bell pj bottoms. Okay so I looked goofy, but I was comfortable. So I was listening to Christina Millan- When You Look At Me, trying to keep myself awake. Which if you've ever heard that song, it's quite effective. So guess who shows up with Jazz and Jacee? Kyle. I still like him, a little, but will he go away? No. So I settled them in, gave Jacee a bath, and waited for Trixi to come over to help me fix the filter on the pool at like ten at frickin night, in the dark, with a flash light. It didn't work so she left, and I announced I was going to bed, but I had to stay up and talk to Kyle while Jazz was putting Jacee to sleep, then I went to bed. At like frickin 11:45, Jazz wakes me up so I can listen for Jacee while she was in the bath. She finally got out and I went to sleep. Then I woke up for school at nine, but I didn't feel so good, so I skipped. I think I ate bad Chinese take out, because I was hurtin, and felt messed up. I needed a mental health day anyway my nerves are shot, I haven't gotten enough sleep lately, and I've had one too many bad days lately. I will hopefully spend the night alone, and just chill the flipp out before I have a mini nervous breakdown and start bawling again. Plus I need alone time to plot revenge.
enough for now
Just A Touch
Just A Touch
It was just a simple touch across my stomach that made my heart beat faster than it should have. I don’t like him. That’s what I keep telling myself. The water glided across my skin and my body plummeted to the bottom of the pool. He had dunked me again. He grabbed me wrist tightly as I reached the surface. He smiled playfully, waiting for me to catch my breath, and I was back under. The cost of splashing him. Jazz shook her head as he walked toward her, she gave him a warning look, but then she smiled and was dunked as well. That’s the way it should be. I felt like I was invading their space.
I focused my attention to Jacee who was for some reason playing with a cup of soda. They floated about and I felt guilty. Guilty because I like him, even though I don’t want to, and guilty because I feel annoyed when they get all ‘close’ in front of me.
I was over this crush just the other day. Then they arrived at my home. I was in my room so they joined me. Jazz handed me Jacee and went to change, while Kyle lay on my bed. I must have given him the weirdest look, but he didn’t seem to notice. It wasn’t a big deal, their was no other place to sit. I lay on Jazz’s bed. No big deal. Other people have laid on my bed. I don’t like people on my bed, but it never felt so wrong. Guilt. My crush shouldn’t have been in my room.
Then we went out to the pool. All it took was a simple touch across my skin to make it all the feelings come tumbling back. My heart beat faster, and I ignored it....
enough for now
